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Archive for December, 2007

Who I can be

Posted by ghostpipe73 on December 18, 2007

Since my last post, I’ve been having quite a rough time trying to find a balance between work, spending time with the family and having some quiet time for myself. Time, something that none of us can ever get enough of or have more of, ever. And for the last 30+18=48 days, I’ve been racking my brains, trying to figure out what are my priorities in life at this very moment. I wrote a list about 3 weeks ago on the most important things that I should be looking into and thinking of ways to deal with it. And of course the list comprises issues related to the 4 main conundrums in my life that I’m constantly battling to empower and cultivate healthily – relationships, money, career, health. Out of the four, the first one is the most difficult one to deal with, as it inevitably involves raw human emotion. The last one is to me the easiest of the lot to handle, simply because I only have to deal strictly with myself and to have a certain degree of self-discipline, which I do have. The two in between share almost an equal amount of effort and willpower to wrestle with, and strangely, it’s these two that I am actually able to put much of my time and effort into and, at this very moment, are beginning to show some very promising signs. These four issues have been the cornerstone of my very existence ever since I moved out of my parent’s house and started living with my wife and son.

The last 48 days have seen me rage war against my very own fundamental belief of how things were supposed to be done before I decided to change the way that I’ve been dealing with things, more importantly how I have been perceiving or thinking about them. In the battlefield of my mind, I see myself constantly having this inner turmoil of wanting every single aspect of my life to be absolutely perfect, down to the very toothpick that I use everyday to eradicate that sniggering piece of food left-over in between my dilapidated teeth. Although I’ve known for a very long time that there is no such thing as a perfect life, I still wanted to pursue the notion that I could perhaps actually achieve it in a short span of time with a sketchly plan for life and what goes beyond. Very wrong ideology that, now I’ve come to realise.

So now I have changed the way I see myself. Now, I put myself before anything or anybody else. I see myself as the person who has the ability to be more than what he used to think he was, or is. I am now the person that I am going to be whether that person in me exists or not. Because I know that if you want to aim for every bit of perfection in life that youve always wanted, then the only way that you can hope to get anywhere near that perfection rung of the ladder is by realising it first in your mind, and visualising yourself as that person who is the epitome of a man with the perfect life. It all starts in your mind.

I have changed my mind. I now live my life not according to the rules quoted by the religious teachings that I have acquired as a child in school, but by those handed down to me by my subconscious mind, who knows and understands my life and myself, as well as the Creator, better than anyone else I know. I have now freed myself from the perception that I used to have of myself, and that is I can only do as much as my eyes can see in front of me. Which is, when I think about it, a foolish and totally unproductive way of looking at one’s life.

I spend more time everyday, when I am alone, trying to see and understand why things happen the way they do, why He does things the way it is, and why we as humans always fail to see things more clearly. I wouldn’t actually say that I have uncovered the secret of life, but I would say that I have now achieved a new level of living in this world, living in this life. I have discovered that, in order to understand and see why things happen the way they do, you must first and foremostly have a lot of faith in the powers that be. Secondly, you must have a lot of patience. Thirdly, you must have a lot of strength in your mind and soul. And lastly, you must have a lot of courage.

I am going on a short holiday tomorrow with my wife and kid. There are things in my life now which are clearer compared to 48 days ago, but some things are still in a mess. I am hopeful, because I know the person that I can be to be able to clear this mess, and I have faith, patience, strength and courage to help me go through these days of constant battles with the elements of human emotions, whether my own or others.

May God grant me the will to be who I can be.


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